An Outhouse, A Bottle of Cologne, A Tent Campaign, and a Cry for Help

I cannot believe that I am telling this story but I figure that it may bring a laugh to someone so here it goes.

Back in 1988, I was in Bible School in Honduras. Times were not easy back then and we did not exactly have the best facilities or food. We all slept in one room which looking back now was really fun. Many of our Pastors in Honduras today studied with me and we became pretty close. The only problem we had was the quality of food that we ate. Beans for breakfast, beans for lunch, and beans for supper. I will just say this, DIARRHEA was my middle name.

One weekend, we had a tent campaign in a village called Azacualpa, Honduras. This village was one of the poorest that I had ever seen and it was pretty nasty. Even at 10:00 at night, it would be so hot that in just a few minutes, your clothes would be wet from so much sweat. Anyway, it was my turn to preach under the tent. I was really excited and nervous. There was no electricity in the village but we did have a power plant for the lighting under the tent. If you walked 10 yards from the tent, you were in total darkness.

That night there was about 500 people under the tent. I was wearing dress pants, a long sleeve shirt and a tie. Before the service started, my shirt was wet from so much sweat. The humidity was unbelievable. I realized that I had forgotten to put on any deodorant. I sure didn't want anyone else to find out, especially if they got to close, so I asked one of our pastors if he had any. He said no but he did have some cologne. Do not ask me why but I took the cologne and used it as deodorant. BAD DECISION. In about five minutes, I was on fire. I felt like someone had taken a blow torch to my underarms. I actually started blowing into my arm pits and while I was doing this, the one that was leading the service announced that it was time for the sermon.

I was in so much pain but I had a job to do and I had waited for this opportunity for a long time. I stood up behind the pulpit and asked everyone to open their Bibles. Before I had time to even read the first verse, IT HIT ME. A pain hit the lower part of my stomach and yes DIARRHEA decided to follow me to Azacualpa. I did not know what to do. I asked one of the Pastors to lead us in prayer hoping that he would pray long enough for the pain to go away. Unfortunately, his prayer was really short. There was total silence for about three minutes as I looked at everyone without knowing what to do. I was afraid to move or to even speak. One false move and I was going to have an accident if you know what I mean.

I called the song leader up and asked him to sing a couple of more songs so I could find a bath room. He looked at me and said "A WHAT?" No one in Azacualpa had ever seen a bathroom as we know it. He called over a man who lived close to the tent and told me to follow him. The song leader started singing as I followed the man off into the darkness. The people under the tent had no idea what was going on.

It was so dark that I could not see six inches in front of me. After about a two minute walk, he led me to an old outhouse. He said that this was the best one they had. I had no flash light so I had to feel my way around. By the way, the outhouse had no door on it. At that moment, I did not really care, I just wanted to get my business done and get back to the tent to preach. A hole was dug and they had laid two boards across the hole with a real toilet that set on top of the boards. The problem was that as you set there, you could see the hole between your feet and the hole was about two thirds full of you know what. I was trying to finish as fast as I could when I heard a crackling sound and all of a sudden, one of the boards broke and I went tumbling down. I just about had a heart attack. I reached out and grabbed the other board. This was keeping me from falling in to eight foot of "you know what".

I could just see the headlines, "Missionary dies in Azacualpa, Honduras as he drowns in poop." I thought I was all alone but after a few minutes, the man that had taken me out there said the most wonderful words I had ever heard, "OUR YOU FINISHED YET?". I said "I WILL BE IF YOU DONT GET ME OUT OF HERE". He helped pull me out and I accept for my right shoe, I was alright.

I walked back to the tent with one shoe and a pounding heart. I got up on the small wood stage and preached with one shoe on. No one ever asked what had happened. For some reason, it really did not seem strange to the people that I was only wearing one shoe. During the invitation, several came forward and got saved.

The next day when I woke up in our dorm room at our Bible School in Honduras, all the pastors had heard about what happened and I thought I would never hear the end of it. They actually went out and bought me a pair of rubber boots and they put a note on it that said "JUST IN CASE YOU WANT TO TAKE ANOTHER DIP".

Just another day in the life of a missionary.

Philip Tyson